Let me begin with an open letter to my co-workers at Midwest Radio of Fargo-Moorhead.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I enjoy working with you at the office. Warm summer days at the KFGO picnic or bracing the cold at the Twins Winter Caravan. Even some of the jokes pulled around the office are delightful. Speaking of jokes, if the individual(s) who think stealing my scissors are funny – this joke has run its course. I am on my 5th pair of scissor (three of which I brought from home) and am constantly frustrated by their disappearance. While we are on the subject, I glued a fake mustache to the side of my tape dispenser so it would remind you to bring it back…which you did not. Office supplies are expensive and now I am down to a single pair of scissors at my own home. My wife is getting angry. Please return my scissors, tape dispenser, staplers, coffee mug with my face on it, picture of my wife, phone receiver and chair.
Sincerely, JJ Gordon
Alright, let’s be honest here. In the upper Midwest, asking to borrow someone’s scissor at work is like asking to borrow their wedding ring. We look at the scissor and think, “Well, it’s been a good run. I am letting Joan from accounting borrow you and probably will never see you again.” In the real world, less than 50% of people ACTUALLY return those office supplies that you loan out. In a few days, you reach for “Trusty Rusty” or “Big Blue” only to realize they never made it back to the safety of your cubicle. You rush over and demand that they return your beloved sheers. They say, “I gave it to Doug! He was opening a package” and the wild goose chase begins. Doug lent it to Natalie to cut open some Ramen. Natalie laid it on the counter where Dan grabbed it to cut a tag off his new tie. Dan put it on the desk at reception where the rug guy stabbed open some Corn nuts…and then the trail goes cold. After spending the bulk of your morning, you trudge back to your desk…only to remember why you needed the scissor in the first place! You wanted to clip a wedding announcement from the newspaper. You can’t send the whole thing to your parents in Arizona, you don’t have envelopes that big. You just needed to cut that little bit out. So, defeated, you just call them and inform them that Britta down the street is marrying some dude named Phil and her new last name is spelled Nelsen with an E instead of an O…and then I hear about their latest trip to Costco…which takes about 45 minutes.
A tale as old as time. Here are my reasons for loaning/not loaning office supplies.
LOAN
1. We are all on the same team.
2. Most of the time, this is property of the company – not me, personally.
3. Bonnie always says “Please” and “Thank you”
4. Donn reminds you that he saved your life that one time…dang it, Donn!
5. There is so little tape left in the dispenser that they will HAVE to return it refilled.
NOT LOAN
1. Team schmeem. I am NOT tearing open another Amazon package with my keys!
2. If it’s on my desk, it’s mine. Memos, coffee cups, toddlers – all mine!
3. Bonnie always brings scissors back covered in honey, “No thank you!”
4. I think Donn purposely let those dogs chase me into that warehouse!
5. Sure, there is fresh tape – but they lost the spindle thingy that kept it in the dispenser. So now I have an extremely heavy serrated edge and a free wheeling roll of tape somewhere…….AGGGHH, the tape is stuck to itself again and now I can’t find the friggin edge!
From now on, I will just follow you to your office – wait for you to use the scissor – and then escort it personally back to my desk.
I am a man who has been pushed to the edge of reason.
UPDATE: I stole all the scissor in the building…now I control all the cutting and snipping. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE POWER!!!!!!!!!
Additional Content:
KFGO Blog –
The Cardigan Cowboy
KFGO Blog –
How Burt’s Beeswax is Made
KFGO Blog –
JJ’s Journey “Forgive Me Jenny, For I Have Carb’d”
KFGO Blog –
Inside Out Car, with Super Bowl ties, Spotted in Fargo
(Listen to JJ Gordon every weekday from 11am to 2pm on
It Takes 2 with Amy and JJ
. On the Mighty 790AM KFGO or on our app!)
