I was going to write an article about back to school lunch packing, but decided the internets has enough of those, especially right now. Instead, let’s talk about how to make the world a better place as our kids head back to school.
When I was in fifth grade, there was a boy in my class who was sickly and often absent. I used to take him his homework because his house was on my way home from school. He was studious, tall, with awkwardly long legs, he had messy, left-handed penmanship, and to a large extent kept to himself. He was a
nice boy
at an age that most boys aren’t. He preferred to play by himself on the playground instead of joining in football with all the other boys. He wasn’t athletic, he preferred to read.
Any grown up could look at him and know that in about 5 years he was going to be tall, handsome, and smart as hell, the kind of man anyone would be happy to marry someday, but kids don’t look at it that way. Kids are mean. Kids have no grasp of the future.
Kids teased that boy. They excluded him from their cliques and from their play. He was left to be an outsider. I never saw him smile.
This boy only went to my school for a couple of years, then moved away with his family. I found out years later that all he ever wanted was to fit in. He was trying to navigate that pre-pubescent awkward stage, just the same as the rest of us, but instead of the usual awkwardness, he also had to overcome poor treatment from others just because he had a different skill set.
Thinking back, I can’t even tell you if I lent a hand in making this boy feel like an outsider. By fifth grade, I certainly had an understanding of
cool
and
not cool,
and, fitting somewhere in between the two ends of the spectrum, I spent plenty of time trying to move into cool territory. I suppose so I wouldn’t be treated like that boy.
A couple of years ago, I tried to friend that boy, now all grown up, on Facebook. Not only did he deny my request, but I am blocked from trying again. I can only assume that he is choosing to forget that time in his life. Even me, the girl who showed up on his doorstep once a week delivering his missed assignments.
It didn’t have to be like that.
As we send our kids back to school, we have a duty to teach them how to stand up for the kids who can’t.
How?
Kindness starts at home. Show kindness to everyone you meet, from all walks of life. Smile at strangers, hold doors for the elderly, speak politely to the waitress who screwed up your order, volunteer as a family to help children understand true hardship and need, look people in the eye when you say thank you, take time to help neighbors, and involve children in hands-on charity events, such as a giving tree. The more children are exposed to helping others, the easier it translates everywhere else in their daily lives.
Keep biases private. Kids pick up behaviors from everyone they meet. Yesterday my kids were repeating some of my nephew’s catch phrases after spending just 4 hours together. I think we’ve all said things to our adult friends and forgotten a child was nearby, whether it was a racial slur, a sexist comment, a stereotype, or a joke in poor taste. Or perhaps we are vocal about our dislike of a certain group of people and want our children to feel the same, but can’t figure out why our sons or daughters get into so much trouble at school. Tolerance (or love for others, my preferred way of saying it) is learned behavior. So is intolerance.
Talk to kids about their classmates. Find out who is getting picked on and find out how that makes your child feel. Chances are excellent that they feel sad when they see another child singled out. Brainstorm ways for kids to get involved when they see another student being bullied, whether it’s grabbing the kid on the receiving end and telling them they are needed elsewhere, or inviting that person into another group to work or play. Find ways to take the attention away from the bully and the situation will deflate quickly.
I once read about a teacher who paid close attention to her students and, if she spotted a struggling student, would often pair that student up with a “popular” kid for projects or assignments, figuring that if the two students got to know one another better and could figure out how to work together that it would elevate the self-esteem of the struggling student and increase empathy in the “popular” student in a mutually beneficial way. It’s a simple and quite genius solution to decrease student conflict.
As a parent of young kids, bullying is a new concern for me. My heart breaks when I hear about a child committing suicide. It is so unimaginable, so entirely preventable. I’m thankful that the boy I knew in fifth grade never resorted to suicide, but wish I had done more to make his time in our school better. No child should have to look back on their life with sadness.
For more information on bullying, from any perspective, visit
stopbullying.gov
.
