A Pew Research Center poll indicates 54 percent of Republicans want their party to become more conservative. Let me be the first to say: Yes, please. I think this is a great idea.
Please, Republican Party, move farther to the right.
Please continue to tout the ideals of the Tea Party and, indeed, insist that everybody who labels themselves a Republican undergo a purity test.
Please continue to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
Please continue to oppose same-sex marriage.
Please continue to attempt to impose your morals and values on everybody else.
Please continue to put candidates on ballots who use phrases like "legitimate rape."
I'm liking the way you think.
Please continue to insist on cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans and, while you're at it, continue to promote cutting taxes on huge corporations.
Please continue to talk about eliminating the minimum wage.
Please continue to oppose meaningful immigration reform.
Please continue to paint all public-assistance recipients as lazy people of color.
Please continue to talk about repealing Obamacare, because there is evidence it worked well during the 2012 election.
Please continue to hold up Paul Ryan as your knight in shining armor because, again, it was a successful strategy in 2012.
This is going to go well for you, I think.
Please continue to mostly court angry, middle-aged white males.
Please continue talk about privatizing Social Security.
Please continue to try to slash Medicare and Medicaid.
Please continue to dig in your heels and oppose any sort of progessivism at any level of government.
Please continue to stubbornly stick to your beliefs and don't compromise on anything with anybody.
Please continue to support candidates who believe this nation's morals went down the tubes when women began to work outside the home in large numbers.
In fact, the more I think about it, the more you need to not only continue current conservatism, but to become even MORE conservative.
Please stand for repealing child-labor laws and the 40-hour work week.
Please try to pass laws stating a woman's place is in the home, specifically, the kitchen and the bedroom.
Please try to make it illegal to watch anything on TV other than "Ozzie and Harriet" re-runs, because that's the way America should be.
Oh, whoops. And Fox News. Because THAT's the way America should be.
Please try to limit voting rights to white, property-owning males who make more than $100,000 a year.
Please push for mandatory church attendance. Twice weekly. And, it goes without saying, Christianity should be the only recognized religion.
Please try Prohibition again.
Please try to eliminate public education.
That Civil Rights Act was pretty radical, too.
I have more great ideas if you need them. But, in general, the idea is to make the Republican Party even more conservative. That's what you want. Please do it.
Please, please, please ...
(Mike McFeely is a talk-show host on KFGO-AM in Fargo, N.D. He can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @MikeMcFeelyKFGO.)